I’m starting a new club. It’s called People Opposing Objectionable Pretend plants In the Environment. P.O.O.P.I.E. for short. I think I’ll have t shirts made.

This is what I object to. Pretend ivy over the kitchen cabinets. Or, pretend ivy anywhere for that matter. Ladies, fake plants have come a long way since the ivy. If you are still using it, please reconsider. It looks bad. Your friends are too nice to tell you to take it down and move into the 21st century. My apologies.

I am in no way against all fake plants. Although, in a perfect world I would like for all plants to be real. I’m pretty sure that all the plants in heaven will be real.

I have fakes in my house. I am picky about what I buy and how I use them. I like them to look realistic even though I know I’m not fooling anyone. Since I’m renting and my walls are white I think a little green adds some much needed life and dimension.

Do not use these. They scream fake. If you must use pretend flowers at least buy something that looks real.

These pretend hydrangeas look like the real dried out thing. I still don’t use them unless it’s in a wreath. Personally, I don’t like pretend flowers unless they are unbelievably wonderful. I usually just buy pretend greens and stuff.

The fern on the top is shiny, bright green. The back looks white and is a dead giveaway that this is not remotely real. The bottom fern is imperfect, has muted greenish yellows and looks the same from the other side. Much better choice.

The leaf of the left is plastic-y and waxy and burns my eyes. The dried stem on the right was alive at one point and has a wonderful texture it makes a great filler.

I use these “berries” at Christmastime. They are not real but have enough variation in color and perfectness to be believable. It seems the trick is to buy imperfect greenery and fake stuff. I look for greenery that has a brownish, yellowish tint. These seem to look more realistic. Even though I don’t use fake flowers inside, I have seen them used beautifully. But beware, most people cannot do them right.

I did find a great place for the ivy though.